During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
ok first of all what the fuck
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