god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This baby is an asshole
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
