ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
cat food counts as protein by the way
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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