im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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