i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
