I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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