I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
