haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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