I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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