one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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