im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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