Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
