I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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