im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
