Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
