Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
