I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
