Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
