I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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