The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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