she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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