i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
