No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
