Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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