Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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