dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
