she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
sarcasm needs its own font
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Everclear isn't food dammit
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize