If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I miss vodka workout Fridays
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
