i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
