I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
