It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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