I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
