last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
