I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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