Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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