be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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