sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
