i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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