considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
