he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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