Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
