Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
