3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
