And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
