if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
