if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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