Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
