bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
