I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
