Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
