So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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