In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
