dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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