I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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