I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
