he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
