Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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