My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
