he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
