it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
