life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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