the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
