Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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