Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
