god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
